Alexis: Welcome to the 8th ever Alexis Angel press conference. I’ll make a statement and then take questions from the audience.
Alexis: So a lot of questions have come up recently about Doggie Winebar. I’ve deflected the questions till now because it was a story in and of itself. That ends today. The dog is currently residing with my mother.
Crowd: Alexis! Alexis!
Alexis: Let me finish. The dog is with my mother after I took it to see my mom and dad and he was running around all over the backyard and my parents suddenly got a newfound affection for the animal.
Alexis: The week before, Brewster ate not one but two La Perla thongs. He chewed a bra. It’s not that I was mad at him. But I was a bit frustrated. I mean, do you know how much La Perla costs? Way more than Purina. So a pet therapist told me that perhaps Brewster was getting frustrated because he was enclosed in my apartment all day. I don’t know what it is but when I took him to my parent’s house, there was no chewing of clothes. Plus my parents liked him and actually loved him. So now I visit every time I’m there and they’re super happy because you know, they don’t have grandchildren yet. That’s my statement. I’ll take questions now.
Alexis: Yes, Leah.
Leah: What’s the deal with you and IT Guy. Is he a fling? A real thing.
Alexis: IT Guy and I are friends. We had the sex. It was good. He had me in like six different positions over two hours and made me cum like a few times.
Leah: So then what’s the problem?
Alexis: As respectful as he is before sex, he’s not much of a cuddler.
Ramona: Well, that’s normal for some guys.
Alexis: He got up and left and started to work on his laptop as I lay there.
(Crowd is silent)
Stephanie: What about the two guys from the gym? Are you considering doing them both at the same time.
Sarah: Where would they put your dicks?
Alexis: Hopefully inside of me at the same time?
Ingrid: Have you figured out a plan yet to get them to?
Alexis: No. Short of going to a bar and hiking up my skirt and shaking my ass.
Daphne: Will you just do the thing where you’re saying you’re doing research?
Nancy: I think you should listen to Daphne. She writes about multiple men.
Alexis: Thank you all for your questions. We’ll do this again sometime!
Crowd: Alexis! Alexis! Alexis!
(Security comes and escorts Alexis out)