Posted on 10 Comments

Advice From Angels!

Hey Angels!


We got a prayer request and also the person who posted wanted some advice from Angels! I’m dropping it in here so that anyone can weigh in!


I also would like some advice from the angels. I am a natural care giver and take care of everyone but myself. My brother-in-law is living with us and has been for several years. While I didn’t mind when my husband was alive, my brother-in-law has changed and doesn’t do as much around the house as he use to. He only pays for my daughter’s cell phone and the internet. Those are the only bills he has with us because he is behind in his child support. We let him drive our truck because my husband got to where he couldn’t drive. He is complaining about the truck to my daughter and saying things are wrong with it. He blames the problems on the deer that ran into the truck. He now doesn’t do anything except take the kitchen garbage out and clean the liter boxes as well as takes my daughter to school in the mornings. I can’t get him to do anymore than that. I promised my husband and mother-in-law when they passed away that I would take care of him. I just don’t need a 42 year old child to raise. I’m the only family that he has and I hate to put him out.

10 thoughts on “Advice From Angels!

  1. I’m wondering if this guy is handi-capped or mentally slow, because if he’s able bodied, he should have a job and he should be contributing to the household. I think you should have like a chore chart for EVERYONE in your family, call a family meeting and start delegating chores to everyone, including you. I’m really wondering why this guy is 42yrs old and not living on his own, working, dating, basically acting like an adult?! You really need to motivate your brother-in-law to help you out and get himself a life. It’s NOT your responsibility to take care of this guy no matter what you promised!!!

    1. Thanks for the chore chart idea, Tammy D! I’ll give that a try. While he hasn’t been diagnosed as handi-cap, he is mentally slow. He doesn’t pick up on the obvious. He does have a full-time job. He’s been married twice. I’m not sure why his ex-wife won’t let him see the kids. She never has. He doesn’t make enough to be on his own. I know I need to have a conversation with him (one I really don’t want to have but need to).

  2. Depression takes many forms & him not doing things is probably a direct result. If you’re not up to a come-to-jesus convo with him, suggest counseling. He’s obviously not dealing with the deaths of his mother & brother well. It’s a hard spot for you to be in. Sending you lots of 💜💜💜💜 to help you get him some help. 😘

  3. Okay, so I’m a tough love sort of person and if I offend you i would like to apologize in advance. Unless your brother-in-law is handicapped severely or mentally incapable of holding a job, you are doing him no favors. It seems as though he has been coddled by his mother and brother for quite a while. His independence has not been able to grow and he has taken an easy way out. What does he do all day? Is he being productive? If he’s part of your team, is he pulling his weight. I feel that your husband and his mother left you a burden and made you promise something during an emotional time that is now detrimental to your well being. I think a good question to ask yourself is who’s burden would he be if something happened to you? Is this really a situation you would want to leave your children with? You now have a responsibility to take care of this issue so that it doesn’t become your love one’s problem. I will keep you in my prayers while you sort this out .

  4. Why is he your responsibility? Yes you made a promise to watch over him but that doesn’t mean he gets to mooch off of you. You are not the only one he had if he is late on Child support payments. He needs a job then a place of his own and pay his bills. He is a grown man. He should have been on his own instead of living in your house to begin with.

    1. Please don’t confuse caregiving with being a doormat.

      Your BIL may have been more responsible while your husband was alive because your husband was less of an enabler. It is not fair to have your daughter living with a mom who lets other adults take advantage. Your daughter needs to see strength, independence and mutual respect among adults, not manipulation and lack of responsibility. Your BIL’s kids also need to see a caring, striving, supportive dad, not a half-man who is satisfied to sponge off others.

      Tell your BIL the truth: if the truck needs repairs, he will have to pay for them since he is not paying his own living expenses.

      Get up off the floor now. Live your own purposeful life and encourage those around you to do the same.

  5. Diane V, I am a caregiver to both of my parents and wouldn’t want to change that but what you are putting up with goes way beyond caregiver. When you promised your mother-in-law and late husband that you would take care of your brother-in-law, you did not promise to raise him. At any age he should be held accountable for his child support, he had the fun of making his child, or children, so they are his responsibility both morally and legally.

    It really sounds like you are going to have to quit putting your life on hold and give him an ultimatum. He either needs to grow up, help you with more expenses like sharing the cost of food, electric and other monthly bills or find someone else to sponge off and quit putting you on a guilt trip.

    My parents will both soon be 90 years old and they do more to help me that it sounds like your brother-in-law does for you.

    I really hope you can get this resolved for your wellbeing health wise and emotionally. I will make sure to say extra prayers for you that God will lead you on the right path to solving this issue.

  6. AKA – Diane V.

    Thanks for all of the advice, ladies. While I’m not normally a doormat, my confidence has taken a BIG hit with the loss of my husband. I’m working on getting it back! Again, you all have verified what I need to do and I will get it done.

    1. Diane, a Li’l known fact for Dad’s paying support is that they can have their support amount adjusted. Especially if they’ve proven they cannot pay it on the wages they are currently making. Sometimes things happen after child support is set…
      The State’s Dept of Child Support aren’t Ogres & will work with Dads to get them caught up.
      Plus, dads are only expected to pay a certain portion of their income towards support. It’s not designed to make anyone destitute.
      I know having been on the receiving end for 20 some years. Plus, my daughter’s going through it Now.
      Even if you have to hold his hand to get it adjusted, so he has more disposable income, you’ll be better off in the long run.
      Drop me a line if you have questions…
      Also, I agree he needs to HELP MORE with chores. Make a list of ALL household chores. Then, divy them up between everyone, so it’s even & fair. I’m unsure of your daughter’s age, but it’s important for kids to take part in chores too. My kids did from age 2 up. They were just scaled to age appropriate. Like unloading the dishwasher & putting the dishes on the counter if they couldn’t reach. They also washed walls, picked up, vacuumed, & lots of other stuff. All those things that helped me, & kept them busy, but at the same time also made them feel big & important. By the time they were 12-13 they were doing the majority of the housework to prepare them for college, which included the 3 of them rotating the planning, shopping within a budget, & cooking full meals each day/week. By the time they left home, they knew everything & didn’t go into culture shock like all their friends. The chore charts we used were very helpful, & we rotated weekly, so everyone didn’t always get stuck with the UCKY stuff! I always tried to balance chores evenly between everyone too.
      When you make your chore list, separate them into categories… Heavy, medium, & light. Then divy out so that each person gets some from each category, if it’s age appropriate. Once things are split up, you can rotate weekly so you only do that chore every 3 weeks. It’s not too bad then. You might also ask if someone has a favorite chore & assign that permanently to that person, if no one disagrees. One of my kids was OCD about the bathroom & that was HIS, another the kitchen, & the last got the living room areas. LOL! It worked for us from the time they were 16 until graduation of the 1st, then we readjusted.
      Good luck

  7. Best of luck to you aubiegirl46. I know that once your self-confidence has taken a hit, it’s really hard to pull yourself back up. Prayers continuing for you.

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